A few weeks back, my cousin and fellow blogger Doug posted a question on Facebook. He wondered what to do when you have "writers block". He said he had been struggling with it and wanted to get back to the writing he enjoys so much. I thought I would respond yet somehow weeks have gone by and I haven't. I saw Doug in person last week, he was home for a family visit and since I haven't seen him in roughly 25 years I drove down to say Hi. I didn't mention his problem with writers block and the reason is this....I struggle with it myself. I think blogging is the most personal writing of all. You are literally crafting a piece of yourself and then posting those thoughts for many. You aren't telling a story you heard you are telling a story you lived.
Then there is this: When you are in a bad situation, your instincts focus on survival. Your grasp of others and the world around you narrows until all you can deal with is the voice in your own head. Roughly six months or so after Mike's death, Marty and I went to a "Series of Grief" Seminar hosted by the local hospital. I had been attending a support group for Adult Child Loss on my own but this was Marty's attempt at public grieving. I won't go into detail but the message of the first meeting was this "share, don't compare". The series was a general one that welcomed all who grieved, be it a divorce, death of a pet, death of a friend, a parent, a job loss or even a move to a new location. At that moment and in that time all Marty and I could do was compare. We would have gladly changed places with anyone in the room who hadn't lost a child.We left that meeting and never returned for the following six sessions.
This is what I know: Someone I love dearly has been absent from my life for a year. She went underground as she struggled with the voice she hears in her head. I heard from her this week and felt such relief. I finally understand after six and a half years what I may have learned but would never have agreed with if I had stayed for the rest of the grief seminar. The voice inside your head is sometimes the only voice you can hear. The reasons you have left the world of nothing wrong and entered the world of nothing right are many. Maybe the commonality of all grief is you have to hold on. You simply must in whatever way you can.
This week my Grandson went to the clinic for his kindergarten physical. He was going along great until the time arrived for the dreaded shots. He knew they were coming, he knew the nurse giving them since the day he was born. His Mom said as the nurse ripped open the alcohol wipe my Grandson decided to bargain. He told the nurse he wasn't ready, he told the nurse, "maybe we don't have to do this", when it became completely apparent that there was no changing what was going to be, Nolan went deep inside his head where he hears the voice that he tells me all the time says "I'm never giving up". He closed his eyes and he held on. He did what we all do, he prayed it wasn't so, he bargained hard for a reprieve and then when it became apparent there is no changing things he simply tried to hold on.
After I heard from Patti today, the song "Far Away" by Nickelback started to play. This song played at Mike's visitation. A clear message to me from the guy that I knew was doing everything he could to help Patti hold on. I had a light bulb moment talking with Patti. Complete understanding that grief of all kinds will take you down and then it is up to you to decide to stand again. Patti is standing again. I now understand when it comes to grief comparing gives you nothing but sharing just might give you a chance. "I'd give anything, but I won't give up" .
There is an Ernest Hemingway quote: "There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."
till next time.
